Small Victories

There are somethings we do because they’re supposed to be healthy. We try and eat better. We try and eat smaller portions. Back in 2005, I decided that I would stop smoking.

One thing they say about quitting smoking is that you need to be in the right head space to be able to do it. And it’s true. I tried quitting twice before. Now, granted, I was never what anyone would consider a real smoker. I rarely smoked a pack a day. I was more like a quarter of a pack a day. I never really felt the need to smoke that much. I also didn’t smoke until I was 18. So, not really what you would think was the stereotype of the smoker.

Which is rather funny because I should have been. I was raised in a house where people were smoking up until I was 17. Both my mom and step-dad smoked. I never stole cigarettes from them to smoke on my own.

When I started smoking, I started smoking cloves. I prefer to the smell and taste of cloves. To this day, I still prefer the smell. It doesn’t smell like smoke. It smells kind of sweet and spicy. It’s a much more comforting smell.

I started smoking when I started dealing with the trauma from when I was raped. It helped take the edge of my stress. It gave me a way to calm down when I was uncomfortable or upset. It also gave me time to take time for myself. It was what I needed at the time.

And I continued to smoke about a quarter of a pack for 6 years. I stuck mostly with cloves. I didn’t run into problems with wanting to smoke more frequently and could easily walk away with smoking cloves. I didn’t feel the actual need to continue to smoke until I smoked regular cigarettes.

Well, in September 2005, after a last hurrah of sorts, I decided to pack it in. No more smoking. I stopped cold turkey.

I haven’t really gone back since.

For some reason, I don’t view this as a huge victory. Perhaps it’s because smoking was never a big thing for me. It didn’t eat up so much of my time. I didn’t spend a lot of time smoking.

Even now as I’m at about the 2 year point with stress I still haven’t gone back to smoking. I think about it, but I never actually do it.

And yet, I still don’t view it as a huge victory. For some reason it just hasn’t had that impact on me.

Hurray for small victories?