Shut Up Brain…

What is happening right now?

Well… Life is interesting now. Not fun, just interesting.

Last week I was triggered by one of my partners. This wasn’t an intentional triggering. It did trigger me all the same. So, now I get to deal with a lot of the issues that come with being triggered. The least fun one being flashbacks.

Now, flashbacks in the past have been things play out in my head. I feel bad about it because there’s nothing I can do to fix them. They occasionally happen. I mentally tell myself that they’re not happening each time they do occur. They start to occur less frequently and I feel better. It wasn’t a great system, but it helped me get through it.

This time they’ve decided to be more persistent… more invasive, and much more frequent. I find myself often and randomly falling into a flashback. It’s not something that’s just playing out in my head, its overlaying reality. Perhaps it’s the reason why I’m triggered that’s causing this. I start feeling both my age and that I’m a kid again at the same time. I feel like I’m alone again, that I have to deal with things by myself because there is no one else… even though I know that’s not true either.

This is a surreal situation, and frankly, I feel entirely out of my depth on this.

I’m working on handling this the best way that I can, but it’s difficult. It’s because this triggering is so different. Maybe it’s also because of whom triggered me. I don’t know.

I’m just working on hanging in there. This situation is really weird and is a bit unnerving. I wish I knew what I was doing. This being a first time for this, I feel completely out of my depth. I’m trying to figure out where to begin. I just don’t think that such a place exists.

So, I’m doing what I can. I’m figuring it out. I take it each flashback at a time. It sucks. I hate being in this place. It’s also what I need to do. I will say this. This is hardly fun or enjoyable. In many ways I feel like life just wants me to have the middle finger for a bit for who knows what reason. I can handle this… I just wish I didn’t have to handle this.