Deeper Thoughts…

I don’t often cite Family Guy as a source for deeper thought. I mean, come on, it’s not exactly a bastion of good lessons or real thought. It’s mostly base and crass humor. Occasionally they have some great episodes, or parts that are poignant… sometimes they hit close to home.

The episode where Meg finally snaps and tells everyone else how she feels hits close to home for me. Maybe because in many ways I identify with Meg. She’s the awkward teenage girl that’s treated poorly. I may not be as gross as she’s typically portrayed, but I do understand many of her complaints when she finally voices of them.

Then it always fills my mind with other feelings. In many ways I feel like I’ve missed out on things. I’ve always had to be the adult or even an adult, so what could I have done? I didn’t get to be a child or adolescent. I don’t know what that means or even if I could do it now. That makes me sad… very sad.

Then I realize that I tend to be nice… sometimes too nice. I want to have time where I can be selfish. I can do and have things that I would like. I tend to put myself out more times than not for someone else. I have to bear the responsibility… and it frustrates me.

I guess that both of those behaviors go together.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I think I need to talk out what it is that I need. I want to have times where I can be less responsible. Times where I can do something other than the responsible thing to do.

What’s really causing this is a problem in one of my relationships. Surprisingly, it’s not one that I caused. I guess that’s not all that surprising… but there you have it. So, I have to then deal with the emotional part of it. I feel like every attempt I’ve made to talk about things has been pushed aside or treated as not important. I can’t trust, but it can’t be talked about either… even though I’ve repeatedly mentioned it.

I… I don’t know. I just feel incredibly hurt. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will ever be enough. I’m not being heard… and when I am, it eventually winds up being a problem, even though I’m asking for what I need. Then there are things that are happening that make me feel pretty knee-jerk, but that’s a different conversation altogether. Maybe it’s this relationship that makes me feel like Meg. I have enough self-worth issues to last more than a lifetime. I have it from family, I have it from friends that I no longer associate with, and I have it from partners (mostly ex).

This is something that I want to fix, but I’m not really sure how. I keep blindly poking along, trying to figure out how to do so… to the point of fatigue, to the point where I have no idea what to do anymore. That’s where I am… I feel stuck. I want to do these things, but I can’t even begin to figure out where to start or how to go about it. How does one get self-worth back when it’s been repeatedly taken from you?

I seriously don’t know. I want to be a better version of me. I want to be a version of me that knows what I’m worth that knows that I’m worth what I have. That’s hard to do when you’ve been told your whole life that you’re not worth much. So, I’m working on figuring that out. It may get done. I want it bad enough that I am willing to work as hard as possible to make it happen.