Life Sucks Sometimes

Life hasn’t been very generous to me as of late. Then again, how often is life generous to anyone? At this point there are plenty of instances that make me question many things… and to a degree I feel myself occasionally dipping into despair. While I wish I could say that I had some control over it, I haven’t had complete control.

The things I have control over: how I react and the fact that I did something that is a huge victory against my PTSD.

I know that I’ve written about my experience revisiting the place where I was raped. When I mentioned to my therapist that I managed to stand in front of the place for five minutes, he lauded that as a huge deal. And it is. My brain has tried to escape that place for so many years (decades at this point). Confronting it to move forward is *huge*. I’m still working on processing everything from that. Unfortunately, something else decided to supersede it.

Actually, let me say someone’s actions decided to supersede it.

I’ve also written, at length, about what’s been going on in my personal life. I won’t go back into it, but I will add to it.

A week ago, the same partner that I’ve been having huge communication issues with decided to up the ante more. Instead of making an effort to keep communication with me, even though he knew how angry and hurt I was by his continued inability to do the same thing over and over… instead of trying to work on communication, he decided that an overnight with his new girl was much more important.

Yeah, that’s about as shitty as it sounds.

And the worse part, I knew that’s what he did without him telling me. (Though he did the next day.)

So, I’m dealing with that as well… because processing one of the biggest, most important things I did for myself psychologically wasn’t enough (and is something that was going to take some time to do in the first place).

So, I’m processing the less significant issue first (which, frankly, the overnight is in comparison to my rape).

I’ve also had to make some tough decisions in my life too. While I should probably can his ass for being so fucking self-absorbed to go on the overnight, I’m not. I’m giving him this last chance, and I do mean last. We’re going to therapy (because the months of me bitching to him about his inability to communicate wasn’t enough to signal that we needed to do that). We’re also on a break. What that means is that now we’re friends. That can shift one way or the other during the course of therapy.

Honestly, I’m not entirely optimistic about this. Though… who knows? He did something that I never thought he would. He admitted that he might actually still have issues stemming from his ex-wife that he’s been taking out on me. I would change the maybe too definitely, but I’m not a licensed therapist. I’m hoping, that with the right therapist, maybe something can happen…

But that’s all future speculation and isn’t going to fix the issue at hand.

Right now… I’m feeling pretty heartbroken. I mean, after all, deciding that sex with new girl is more important than a relationship is beyond fucked up. I even told him, you pretty much told me that overnight was more important than a 6 year relationship. It’s going to take a lot of doing to change that thought… if it’s possible.

His excuses were shoddy at best. He kept repeating that he thought we had broken up. I said I had never said that… besides, I’m not the asshole that breaks up over a phone call or text message. I’ll tell you to your face. That way there’s no room for ambiguity. Besides, more than anything, this tells me that I’m not any priority to him, she is. He keeps saying otherwise, but actions up to me calling him on his shit have said otherwise. And frankly, at this point, I still think he’s all lip service and no action.

So, what positive has come out of this?

Well, other than him finally admitting that he might still have ex-wife issues (something he vehemently denied 3 or so years ago), not much for him except we need therapy (duh). However, my two other partners have been absolutely stellar. They are the support I so desperately need now. I knew that I was going to have a psychological minefield to walk through… I didn’t expect it would also include a huge ass mine from a partner. The fact that both have been willing to help, to the extent that they can, has been wonderful. It doesn’t fix the problem (after all, only I can fix that), but it makes things a little easier to get through.

Right now, I’m thankful for that. I want to get through this shit so I can go back to working on the first issue. I would like to be able to get a full night’s sleep again. At this rate, I’m not sure when that will ever happen.