Working Through Sexual Assault (TRIGGER WARNING)

This is something that I’ve dealt with before. This is something that I’ll probably consistently deal with on and off until I die. Every time I do deal with it, it almost includes a complete mental meltdown or shutdown. Regardless, it’s something that is difficult to deal with and I can only really take it one day at a time.

So, at this point, I’m going to state as I have many times before, that this will be trigger filled. Mostly I’m going to be talking about sexual assault. So, I apologize ahead, but you have been warned.

So, are those of you who are still reading OK with this kind of topic?
You are?

OK.
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I was raped when I was thirteen. I didn’t have a say. As far as the guy was concerned, he wanted me to give him a blowjob and that’s all there was to it. I was never asked, I was forced. I tried to pull away, but he overpowered me. I felt like I was drowning and there was nothing I could do about it.

But that’s not the end of this story. It wasn’t as neat an ending as it was a one time event. I truly wish that it were though.

This guy was a classmate. We were both in a radio broadcasting class together. Not only did I have to see him 5 days a week (because school), but there were plenty of locked rooms for him to drag me to.

I was naïve to think that one time was going to be the only time. I admit it. In certain ways I had lied to myself then that it was only that time.

He repeatedly took sexual liberty with my body. I couldn’t say no because I was already afraid to do otherwise thanks to my first experience. He never let me say no or get away. He would always do what he wanted. Of all of this, it summed up to 3 such occurences. The last time was while I was a minor and he was over the age of 18. Given that he didn’t like to take no for an answer, age was also not going to be a deterrent for him.

When I was 18 I finally sought therapy for this… mostly the first occurence. It was the most traumatic and the only one where I actually was afraid that I was going to die. At that point, I also reported it to the police. I didn’t press charges because by the time I reported it (5 years later) it really would be a he said/she said ordeal, though I was fully within the statute of limitations.

It turns out I didn’t need to. A year later I heard he was in prison for statutory rape. In that sense, I felt like I had been avenged. He was doing hard time. I could breathe a little more freely. After all, he would have that label for the rest of his life. Considering that he did that to me… it helped, even if only a little.

Then another 10 or so years pass…

I receive a notification from a social networking site that I’m no longer on… Actually, I received two of him trying to contact me.

I broke down. That’s all I could do. I didn’t want this guy in my life. I still don’t. He stole so much from me because he had to get off. I still fear that he’s going to try and look for me.

I don’t like living in this kind of fear. I know he doesn’t respect my boundaries.

I never contacted him back. I don’t need that kind of toxicity in my life.

But just the action of him contacting me brought me back to when I was 13.I felt like the scared child I was then. Just the mention of his name was enough to make me contact the police.

While I appreciate that he’s probably trying to get his life back together, I don’t think contacting one of your victims is a great way to do it. To this day, I’m not sure I could face him. I don’t think I’m going to give myself the chance to find out.

After all, it was a long battle to get to where I am. It took me a long time to not blame myself. I know now that rape is about power. I’ve let a lot of people take my power (both through rape and abuse). I won’t let any one take it again.