“Why Am I So Awkward?!?”

I’ve never been afraid to admit my negative points. It’s easier to fix something if you’re totally aware of it. Something that I’ve striven to fix for… well… many years is my social awkwardness.

Now, the core of this social awkwardness is that I’m shy. I’m very shy. I don’t find it easy to just go out and meet new people. Now, that’s probably because I’m severely introverted. Unfortunately, you don’t just get over introversion. It’s a very core part of my being.

So, I’m still working on how to get around my introversion.

I would like to meet more people, but not sure how to do it where I don’t want to hide in a corner. I understand that a part of that is not always being at home. If I’m out more, I talk to more people.

I guess if I think about it more, it’s not simply my introversion that holds me back… it’s also the abuse. A characteristic of almost all abuse survivors is that they are concerned with what other people think about them. If you think about the psychology behind that… it makes sense.

Being concerned about what people think about me is a serious setback. I always think that I’m never good enough or that I put my foot in my mouth or something like that. Because of that, I’m afraid to talk to people. I’ve been told by too many people (family and old friends alike) that I do thing wrong when it comes to talking to people.

Now, am I trying to let this hold me back?

No. I can’t.

Does it right now?

More than it should.

And that’s something that saddens me. I hate to think that I’m holding myself… but in many ways I am.

I wish I knew how to overcome this. I need to put myself out there soon to sell myself as a writer and a new voice. I have to convince people that I’m good and worthy of being heard. So, now it’s time to convince myself that my writing is worthy enough.

After all, isn’t the greatest part of networking in Hollywood convincing everyone you’re the shit when really you’re not so sure yourself?

Time for me to get over this social awkwardness (which makes it easier for me to do when I keep writing about it and bring the issue to the front). This career is really what I want with my life.