Shut-Up Brain…

… Or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.

Image from fatkiddiary.com.

We all get moments where we feel like that. We all have insecurities. They all are about how we somehow fail as a person. They’re about appearance, weight or some perceived social flaw. Some of us give into them easier than others.

I have a tendency to give in to my insecurities easier than most people. That might have something to do with the years of abuse that I was subject to. I was never made to feel good about myself as a child. I was always met with some form of criticism… especially when I had a stepfather who would always have a negative thing to say about me.

I rarely heard from my family that I was smart or that I was pretty. I never heard encouragement.

Maybe that’s why to this day I get teary-eyed when someone sincerely gives me a compliment. I’m used to being told that I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough. That there’s something wrong with me. That I’m a fat, stupid, ugly bitch.

This was further compounded by abusive relationships. I was always told that I was never enough. Granted I can accept not being someone’s everything. Anything I tried to do in relationships were never enough. I was told I was crazy, that I didn’t know how to communicate. That I did nothing for people. That I was crazy for reacting to something.

When you hear that from people who supposedly love you, it makes it difficult to think that you’re a good person. That you’re a worthy person. That other people are going to think highly of you.

I have met plenty of people who have told me that I’m an awesome person since then. That I am worthy of good things. That I deserve to be happy. Those people have gone a long way to helping me feel better about myself. They gave and continue to give me the support that I never really received when I was younger.

While I’ve come a long way, I still have times when I fall back into having my insecurities. They largely come up when someone unknowingly push that button. I largely try to deal with them on my own. After all, I have a lot of wonderful people in my life who think I’m wonderful too.

There are also times where I feel particularly beaten down. Those are the days I don’t like. Days where I feel particularly vulnerable. Those days are the days that I really hunker down.

I can’t let those days get to me. I have to fight against it. After all, I can’t constantly be reminded of all that bad in my life. I don’t deserve that.